Monday, September 10, 2007

I Blame It On the Devil...

I know, I'm a horrible person. I should've made a post years ago, or at least a month ago. But in the blogging world, especially this world of bloggers that I'm so proudly associated with, not blogging for a month is equivalent to years, decades even...And I blame it on her...the devil...

I was so worried about this evil influence taking over the minds of the people of this great country that I went on a crusade to defeat the evil forces of the biotch and, armed with just a backpack full of pork and beans, and most importantly, common sense, I toured the nation speaking at elementary schools everywhere. I spoke at DARE assemblies, carnivals, field days, even hosted a cake walk and a bike rodeo all to keep the young children aware of the evil that surrounded them. And since their minds are so impressionable at this young age I made it my goal to make sure that I would get in their heads before the biotch could...and hopefully my message will make it to the children's parents...because maybe since they say that this country will ran by our children one day, parents might take that literally and start listening to their children and maybe revert back to common sense and see through all the flawed logic that comes out of peoples mouths...especially the devil.
So, naturally, as I was on my course to save this proud nation, the devil and her forces tried to combat me by stealing my computer which would not allow me to blog, thus taking away from me the communication with my most powerful allies in this great cause that I have undertaken. And without the sarcasm and straight-faced humor that would so easily convince the weak ones of the voting population, I was left to myself, and my backpack of pork and beans and 4-year old slim jims, to put this evil force in the ground once and for all. But alas, I realized that after fighting a good fight, that if people couldn't figure out how idiotic this lady was along with all her hooligans then this country would be too dumb to live in...that, and I ran out of cash and couldn't find a 7-11 for the life of me and needed to come back home and trust in the common sense of the people.
So I came home, graduated from college with my big bro, broke my tooth in half while on a date, went on some vegas trips to fix that tooth cause superglue isn't that super, bought a house, wrecked Chad's car, went on some fun dates, built the biggest slip n slide of all time, and pretty much had some fun.
Oh and I sued the devil in the seventh district court for the unlawful seizure of personal property (my computer) and the judge decided the devil was wrong on the grounds of common sense and stated in his summation that if all people in this land could see through this woman's lies no more foolish things would ever happen in this nation, such as someone taking Ryan's computer so he couldn't blog in forever...or somethin like that.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Dang Hill...The Last Dang Time

So last Thursday I took my last test of all BYU-dom and walked for the last time down that dang hill. Ya know, I thought I was going to be sad for some reason, cause I loved my BYU time and the classes were a blast...but nope, no sadness here. Not even a bit, no tears shed. I was all smiles as I walked down those dang stairs on the way back to my car around 8 pm on Thursday. In fact, I was so elated on the way down that I had to stop and say a prayer and thank Heavenly Father that this was the last time I had to ascend this dangged slope...and of course for everything else He had done for me in college...but my heart was really into that first part. I was so excited that this was the last time I had to climb up the Dang Hill (A.K.A. Rape Hill or the stairs south of campus) and that I never had to do it again unless for some reason I decided to out of my own free choosing.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't mind going down the hill at all, its quite enjoyable actually...mainly because as you are walking down you are very keenly aware that if you taking steps in the downward direction that expressly means that you are not climbing the hill, which makes the walk so nice and enjoyable. But really, the hill is beautiful. It has hundreds of different kinds of trees, even a Giant Sequoia, and tons of flowers and all that. So it looks like a totally different place from Provo as you are coming DOWN the hill. As you walk up the hill, all you can see is the dang steps and reliaze that you are SO late to class and how you need to stop eating crap food and get in shape dang it! But the way down is quite beautiful, so beautiful in fact that you need to go get some Wendy's and a Slurpee to keep enjoying the moment...and the cycle continues...oh wait, no it doesn't! Thursday was it! Haaaaa!

Anyway, I loved BYU. I'm sure I'll still go up there and sneak into some religion classes and check out the freshman in the library or somethin (actually people watching in the library could be one of the best activities on the whole dang planet). And I'll still go to the football games as long as they don't suck...cause I'm a fairweather fan who wears a UNLV shirt to all the games anyway. It was all fun. But it's time to finally make some cash!!! Dang it.

Monday, May 14, 2007

So I Suck, I Know...

Well you are very right...I need somethin new to post. But you see, it wouldn't be fair to you, nor to myself, if I just decided to post some whimsical entendre of nothingness just to satisfy the salacious appetite of the chronic blogger. No, it wouldn't be prudent, nor wise, even in the least bit. Some things require both time and patience in order for their grandeur to be truly esteemed with proper, dare I say...sumptuousness, when they finally appear; such as the slow geoding of a diamond, Halley's Comet, the Boston Red Sox winning a World Series, a democrat making a valid point, and even a new blog posting. Rushing into something that requires proper imperturbability, would be like eating brownies that are all cool and runny in the middle (which aren't half bad if you've got the right ice cream and stuff to go with it). But blogs don't come with ice cream, just the occasional frog legs and slurpee. But its those occasional's that give the post its flavor, you see. If I were to post the less-exciting everyday events, I would thus lose the savor of this delicious dish belonging to a supernal blogging feast of joy. Now that wouldn't be good. Not to mention, fasting from time to time is both healthy to the body and the spirit. So wait with me, just for a few hours or so, and I'll put something on your palettes to enjoy. Truth be told, I just don't have crap to write and I've been slackin on my blogging. I'll fix it!!

Sunday, April 15, 2007

The Most Ridiculous Items of the Day...ala Fox News

Everyday is full of ridiculous things...especially in Happy Valley...Especially here. I found that some days need a little nudge to make sure that there is some active entertainment so as to not go crazy with boredom in Provo, hence the frog legs in the last post. So, for this little segment on The Late Blog, I decided to tell a story about Jesse and I's little run in the fine men and women in blue of the Provo PoPo Department.

To make a short story shorter, we went to Wal-Mart and happened to walk by a sweet little 25 dollar paintball gun. Jesse had to buy it, and I had to laugh. The thing is, Boredom+Paintball=Bad Idea. Especially in freakin Provo. So we drove by some friends' houses and shot up their windows... One group of particularly unhappy neighbors decided to chase us and since we were in a cousin's Audi, they didn't know who we were. So we wound through Provo neighborhoods (at the speed limit of course) and lost them a few times. In frustration, they called the police and the whole force showed up. We pulled over before they turned their lights and sirens on (because we are amazing citizens and believe in civic responsibility). We showed them the gun and they made us get out of the car and sit on the curb while the four cop cars and the 6 cops stood around, doing nothing. The main cop was way cool and said that everyone showed up cause they have absolutely nothin to do. Then he called our neighbors who we paintballed and told them we did it cause we thought they were fat and ugly. I was havin a good time on that curb, no lie. So they let us off, which was a miracle cause if they would've found Jesse's loaded .40 under the seat that fool would've been screwed! He doesn't have the license for his piece yet... So as they were giving all our ID's and stuff back, good ol Tommy Sorensen and our buddy Eric drove by and saw us in our predicament. Anyway, all we had to do was clean up their windows (which all the cops followed us over to the house to watch us do) and I decided that since we home teach them, that counted as our visit. Not bad, we got it done early in the month! Ridiculous.

I just had a run in with the head of the Physics Department at BYU. He was guest-lecturing in our class and decided to bring up the idea of human-caused global warming, and defend it! Bad idea for him. I let him speak for a bit, then the gloves came off. I let him have it. He tried to defend his stance and asked what I knew about it, and so I unloaded the things and interviews I've studied, and stated one report that contradicted the slide that he had up on the screen and backed it up with an IPCC report I just read. I then asked him a few questions that he couldn't answer and then he stated that he really was just beginning to learn about global warming and had only read one book on the subject. He then thanked me for studying and said that's what his point was, to encourage us to find out and search for ourselves about the world around us. I bet. Ridiculous.

Now, there are many ridiculous items, too many to mention, especially in Utah. It would be impossible to name them all. Sometimes you just have to appreciate the ones you can remember and watch the O'Reilly Factor for the rest. I'll be honest, I don't watch that show too much cause Sportcenter is on at the same time, but he's got the idea. Well, big gulps eh? See ya later.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Ain't No Thang But A Chicken...Uhhh, Frog Legs

Sometimes you get those cravings ya know...usually for a Slurpee, pizza, or candy or crap like that. Unless your very ethnic, your probably not gunna wanna eat frog legs, cause dude, they're freakin frog legs. Well I guess if you're at Carlos and Charlie's down in Mexico somewhere you might wanna give'em a try, cause you're already sick and on the toilet from the water down there anyway. But, walking through Smiths, Jesse and I saw that a big ol package of tender, juicy, large calved, small human-lower-torso-lookin, meat things were only $2.88. And when you're in college and sick of Ramen or 3-pound bags of shredded coconut, frog legs start to look tasty. So we took our sweet find over to Courtney, Lindsey, and Stephanie's and cooked them bad boys up...And don't they look amazing...especially the "spread eagle" ones... Good gosh ya'll.

So to tell the truth, they weren't bad at all, a little bland, but not bad. Throw some Durkee Hot Sauce on those thighs and calves and they taste a heck of alot like chicken. The best part was sticking a piece of the meat in Lindsey Maxfield's mouth and watchin her squirm cause she is deathly afraid of frogs...weird, I know. But she took it like a champ.

Speaking of weird fears, Courtney Bingham has the most ridiculous phobia, one for which I share no sympathy with her. Uh, who in their right mind can be afraid of Shamoo? I mean, sounds like a joke right? It should be a joke. What is scary about a giant aquatic mammal, who although may weigh tons according to us land dwellers, floats effortlessly through it's own Sea World "Believe" Tank. Not only is this animal glorious to behold, it is friendly with the human folk, allowing them to ride on its back and give Sea World a ridiculous profit. Sure, herring and other fish have a reason to dread the beautiful orca, but not us. That's racism, which is also ridiculous because Shamoo is both black and white, as well as especially playful.

Moral of the story, try somethin new. Frog legs might suck, and not hit the spot every night, but be adventurous and try new crap/stuff. Like sushi (the Vegas roll and Happy Sumo is delightful), or alligator tail, or tongue tacos. But not escargot cause the idea of eating snails is just freakin stupid... leave it to the French to set humanity back a notch for puttin that junk on a menu. Give me freedom fries and a steak sandwich any day (try Steak Out in the Riverwoods, tastiness indeed), ...damn French.

By the way, I think I set a world record with like 7 chins in this picture, or cheeks I guess. Nevertheless, I might try fried frog legs again, especially if they keep selling them at 5 bucks a dozen, that's like 24 legs! Oh, also, all-you-can-eat crab legs at Magelby's for 10.99. I know that that might not be so special to all you Californyuns, but for all us who are stuck in the mountains, it's good eatin. One last suggestion, try throwin some whipper snappers in your mouth when you're eatin pretzels or other bite size'll add a whole new experience to your dining life. Trust me.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

I'm Not Finished Yet....!!!

So, anyone who knows me knows that I wasn't the most "careful" kid when I was growing up. I found a certain amount of joy riding in the car on the way to the hospital to get stitched up by my favorite nurses. I never really understood why you needed to look before you leaped cause clearly leaping is so much fun and looking wastes so much recess time. Maybe thats why I have big calves too, don't know. But apparently I wised up and haven't done any self-inflicted cranial damage in quite sometime. Whelll, yesterday I finally got sick and tired of not having any fresh face damage and decided that a metal rigid steel grinding brush would be the perfect thing to re-live all those good times and have some fun!! Boy oh boy did I have some fun, who needs Disneyland when you can do this...
Ya, I know, doesn't get much more fun than that. Luckily, the grinder flew back at my face at about mach-8 so it hit so hard it numbed me right up. After a quick "s" bomb and a quick check to make sure all my teeth were still in my head and that my eyes were still working (my protective glasses were thrown about 15 feet off my hizead), I finally got to laugh, just like the good ol days. The best part was that so many people got to laugh with me. Eric, who was standing right by me in fact, was so stoked about my return to childhood that instead of asking if I was ok and if he could help, said, "Hey, wait right there, and don't wipe the blood off! I got to get the camera so we can get this on tape!" That's what big bros are fo. I'll post the tape as soon as we get it downloaded, so all can enjoy. I know the people at Home Depot sure enjoyed looking at my oozing face complete with 40+ half circle cuts. I saw one little boy look at me with such jealousy due to the fun I obviously had the his mouth dropped open and he ran to his older brother and said. "Did you see his face! Wow! What did he do?!" One day he'll catch the vision of what having a good time is all about...I'm just glad I was there to start that boy's desire to go have his own fun. Anyway, moral of the story, grinding steel can be a good time, especially since you won't have to shave and BYU can't argue with you about it. Haaaaa! Latea crackas.

Monday, March 12, 2007

We Are Two Wild and Crezy Guys!!!

So not only are we hot and good looking guys now, but we were some sexy beasts back then too!! OK, OK, so maybe Brock and I are digressing in our good looks, but it's good to remember the good ol' days of busted up foreheads and blond afros. These were the days of bombs we made by filling up Pepsi bottles full of dirt, then lighting a fuse we put in it and running as fast as out little legs would carry us. We learned that even if I thought cashews were good, they'd make Brock swell up like a balloon and pass out til he's almost "walking toward the light". It's fun to light fires. Its scary to run from parents who see us lighting those fires. Walking to 7-11 everyday is good exercise. Eating a cake that you know has egg whites in it is a bad idea. Crackin your skull helps you get to know the medical staff at the "hosible" real well. "Hey look Aunt Sue, look how good I can swim" he gradually sinks into the deep end. However, laying down on the hot concrete pavement is a great way to dry off after a good swim. Nintendo is a member of the family...and we spent alot of "family time" downstairs. Since when were fireworks just for the 4th of July? Aren't they for whenever you find them?!

We learned that Field Day is the best day, no matter if you're gold or maroon, but it seemed like maroon always won. The bike rodeo was also pretty dang rad. It was good to make friends with kids who had hot air balloons cause we sure as frick weren't gettin one of those. And it's also fun to go fight friends just because Eric tells us to. Going to work with our dad's was so much fun...til we actually had to work, then it sucked. You can find all sorts of crap when you walk around in the desert all day. And you can expect to find a butt whoopin when you walk all the way to Ed Fountain Park with your two little sisters who got heat exaustion from the expedition.

But, all these lessons and experiences lead to just a few things...everything good back then is still good now, except for those cashews, they're still bad. Big gulps eh?? Well, see ya later!

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Glory Days Fo All Ya'll

So the music definitely fits the year... I'm not sure if its George Dare, the "Runnin Rebel Fever" guy, singing this, but it's pretty cheesy/rad. Is George Dare gay? And I just remember KJ having a huge crush on Anderson Hunt. She still has a little jungle fever in her.

Rebels are DANCIN babay!!

So UNLV is finally back in the big tournament and should be ranked pretty dang well too. Maybe if we're lucky we'll face off with sorry ace Duke in the second or third round, and deliver them a long awaited butt kicking. Anyway, my mom was in the room when UNLV beat BYU and she was not too happy with me for not cheering for the Church school and the school I actually attended. But hey, now I get to wear RED on Monday and instigate all day! I have a 40 minute presentation in one of my classes and I can't wait to be sportin' Rebel clothes as the BYU fans in the class will undoubtedly still be a little butt hurt about the loss tonight. Anyway, lets do a bracket tournament or somethin. Who's in? REEEEEEEBBBBEEELLLLLSSSS!!!! Talk amongst yourselves...I'll give you a topic...People here always say "Go Cougs". What in theee hell is a "coug"? ...Discuss.

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Dreams are so weird

So last night I had this dream where I was supposed to get married in the Las Vegas Temple and I wasn't excited at all. In fact, I was so unenthused that I didn't remember to tell anyone about it. So I started to text people to let'em know that I was getting married at 8 pm that night. So Taylor, who was in the room, texts me back and says, "I'm so glad you're finally growing up, have a great wedding!" And so I put the phone down and said, "Uh, are you not going to come?" And he was all, "Nah, I've got to take Mandy out." I was jealous cause I didn't want to go to my wedding either. Then Brock didn't wanna come, and my mom was even deciding on whether or not to miss Law and Order to come. So as I thought about it, I remembered a dream I had a few months ago (which was so real and a story in and of itself!) where I didn't want to get hitched to this one chick and ditched her in the sealing room while all our family was there...and so I thought, I better just call my fiance, whoever she was, and tell her I wasn't going to make it cause I wanted to go to Macayos and get some food, cause lets be honest, how often am I in Vegas and I better get some chips and salsa while I'm there?! Anyway, I woke up and felt bad, cause I was craving Macayos and it wasn't there.

So the dream might not be that weird, but I remembered it all pretty clearly and I left out the parts about Chad inventing a helicopter-TV system where a small heckticopter is carrying a TV so that you can watch it anywhere. And I left out the red shag carpet was the coolest thing to have and mustard wallpaper was making a comeback as well. That's just weird.

P.S. I really don't have a fear of commitment and think marriage will be fun...just for all you psycho-analyzing weirdos who think this dream might say somethin about me.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Never Lose a "Walking Battle" Again!

So you know when you're walking and another person is walking right at you from the other direction...and then the both of you have to make a decision about which way to move so that a nasty collision is avoided? More often than not you end up looking dumb and embarassed because the both of you start studder-stepping inches infront of each other. Well, not anymore! I've found a way to win that battle everytime and never play the fool ever again. It's so simple, yet completely effective. All you do is put your head down and keep walking. Thats it. The other person assumes you're not payin attention to the world around you so they better get out of the gosh dang way before the person with their head down crashes into them. It works. I try it all the time on campus, and I have never in the hundreds of times of potential embarassing run-in-to's EVER lost a battle. There was one time though that the person didn't move (because they were totally out of it) and we crashed. But it was all good cause she was cute and I ended up taking her out that weekend, so I count that as a victory. Anyway, try it. Next time you're walking in a crowded place, say Disneyland or The Great Wall, put your noggin down and watch everyone get the heck out the way. It'll change your life. It's like having the power of Fessic from Princess Bride when he says, "Everybody move!!". Totally awesome you guys.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Michael Jackson is surrounded by Mormons!

I kid you not. Michael just bought a house in Vegas and he put himself smack dab in the middle of the Palmyra Ward. He is in the ward bounderies for the Kinghams, Eric and Lynita Nelson, and the Harbers! I swear, no joke. At first I thought it was a lie when I heard where he was living...but sure enough, I drove by with Jesse Harber and my friend Layne at like 1o pm last saturday night and I freakin saw him in his Bently with his windows down with his driver (I think he must have been a driver) and they were talkin to the gate guy. It was all lit up so you could totally see it was him. Weird. Anyway, if you're in town, his house is on the corner of Tara and Monte Cristo, the big gated one (look at the link). Two doors down to the north is where the NBA player Gary Payton's house is. I drove by the next morning and there were two pimped out caddies parked outside and the license plate I could read said, "Big J", on it. How weird is it that he's in my aunts' and uncles' ward?! Maybe they can find a way to get him baptized...I hear the nursery and young mens could use some help. Here's some proof for all you skeptics:

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Should I date or get a root canal?

Right now both look about the same as far as funness go. And, lucky me, I need to do both. A filling just fell out of a tooth due to some "exceptional" past dental work and now its killing cause crap keeps gettin in the hole. How dumb is that. I won't tell you the dentist's name, but if you ever had a filling fall out, ya, that guy did it. But like the good ol dentist says...that's not pain you're feeling, it's pressure. My A.

As far as the dating situation goes, its a little bit of pressure and pain. I started dating this girl in Vegas a couple of months ago and we've had alot of fun. Thing is, she lives and works in Vegas and I'm up here in Happy Valley. Long distance is super fun. Just like root canals. BUT (and that's a big butt ()() ) (<-- K, thats funny), this girl is a ton of fun, down to earth, and is a good girl. Herein lies the problem...she's dating me.

For some reason I just didn't get so attached to her as she did to me. I love spending time with her cause its far and inbetween that we get to hang out due to the distance factor, but for some reason I just haven't "come around" like she has... and I feel like crap. Cause now all the "what are we" questions start to get asked, which is fair for her to ask. Only now I need to be honest and tell her that as much as I have a blast with her, for some reason I'm just not as into the actual relationship as she is. What am I supposed to say..."Its not you it's me?" Ok thats absolutely true, but its absolutely lame to say. Dang it I suck.

So I finally had a good talk with her and she understood that I'm not looking for anything serious right now, but it still kills me inside to see her hurt and confused. Like she doesn't feel like she's good enough or some junk like that, which is not true. I just feel I should be totally into it if I'm gunna get serious, otherwise I'd just be leading this great girl on. I hate doing this stuff. Again, I suck.

Maybe I should just be a dentist. I could crappingly apply fillings to cover some pain I've caused, just like trying to cover the girl's hurt I caused by trying to explain why I'm confusing even myself. My explaining my feelings is just like a crappy filling. See, that was a crappy attempt at an analogy for an in point. But, we've all been on both sides. We've all been shot down, and we've all had to explain why things weren't working. I just hate it. The freakin' "DTR's". Having a DTR is like throwing hate to do it, you try not to...but once you spill your guts you feel alot better and maybe you can go eat some more.

In any case, my tooth hurts. My heart hurts cause this great friend I have isn't too thrilled with my "slow-movin" A right now. Maybe I should just be patient and take it slow with her and me. Any ideas? I mean, somehow you tards got married so I'd appreciate any insights. Til then, I'll keep flickin bits of steak and chips out of my gaping tooth hole with my toungue.

Friday, February 23, 2007

BYU fans are Idiots...

Ok, here's the thing... when I say BYU fans are idiots I'm not speaking of the average go-to-a-game-just-for-fun fan. I'm talking about those guys who swear that BYU is the University of Heaven and that anyone who plays against them must surely have made a deal with Mr. Satan. So I'm at this BYU basketball game the other night and I'm tryin to be supportive to the whole BYU cause, because I go there and I know some of the cougarettes who dance during the time-outs (sweet), but I can't help but realize how stupid the people were who were sitting around me. Don't get me wrong, I understand that fans at a game aren't always well behaved or even make sense half the time, I know, I'm stupid like that sometimes. But not like this... These guys had THE worst trash talking of all time, it just didn't make any sense. D-U-M dumb. Not only that, but they thought they were the wittiest people who ever lived. It was driving me nuts... Sure I had a UNLV shirt on in the middle of all those idiots, and sure my shirt said, "Real Mormons are Rebels" on the back, and sure, UNLV wasn't even playing that night, but come on. Telling me that I was an apostate who was sure to burn in hell and that Nephi would be disappointed in me is a little dumb. Alot dumb. And believe me, there were much gay-er things said.

Now I can understand fans saying some pretty nasty things to other people at say, the Thomas and Mack or any other arena that sells beer. They have an excuse for acting like retards... alcohol. But not at BYU. There isn't even caffeine in the beverages there. No excuse for how bad of fans they can be. Unless these idiots are gettin hopped up on Mountain Dew before the game, they have no defense.

Now that bein said, I like BYU. I love going to the football games and all the other stuff there too. I just wish people there could think before they speak. Man alive. There is only one team that people should truly be spiteful of, and that is, of course, Duke. Duke can go to hell. And that is not a rash remark, it is well thought out and can be backed up by anyone who is rational. BYU may not literally be the Lord's University, but Duke's greatest supporter is the devil. That's the truth. And by the way, I heard that the devil is a democrat, and so Duke is a liberal college. So there ya go, proof enough.

Anyway, I love the BYU athletic program. I love going to the games. And I especially love wearing red to those games whether or not UNLV is playing. I just wish the fans there could be a little more, um, tactful. Ah, who cares.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

I must be a late bloomer I guess

Yeah yeah, it's about time that I get one of these blogs. I figure, I completely suck at journal writing and I love talking about myself, so hey, why the heck not. Two birds yo. Plus, reading everyone else's blogs makes me feel like I'm the last one from Vegas to finally give in and get one of these things...suckers. Not only that, but most of my friends are married so this gives me the opportunity on letting everyone know how much all ya'll are not missing out on when it comes to single livin. Single life is actually pretty good, probably alot like blogging...ya know, sittin alone tryin to think of cool things to say so that the people that hear you might just think you're awesome. Haaaaa. I'm just kiddin. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't need the confirmation from anyone for me to think I'm awesome. Oh man. In any case, it's good to start one of these things up. And maybe some of you will be inspired enough to set me up with one of your hot single friends so I can join the cool married club too, not only the cool blogging one! But until then, hopefully I can figure out how to post some entertaining things on this page and have some fun with it.