5 Things I Never Thought I'd Say

1. "I agree with Barack Obama."


Ok now wait... before any dis-owning, bitter faces (like the kind when you smell a raunchy fart), or verbal abuses toward me...don't hate, just listen. Believe me, I was more shocked than anyone the two seconds after I heard those words escape my lips. But here is the deal, its not that bad for this single, solitary case... he was talking about the College Football post-season and how the BCS doesn't work and that there needs to be at least an 8-team playoff to determine the champion. I was so shocked that this dude actually spoke the truth that I made that outburst I never thought I'd say. He was right, and we do need a playoff in College Football...cause its the sport with the best regular season and the absolute worst post-season. That's the only "Change" I'll support. I'm not spreadin the little wealth I've got and I'm keepin my guns. And I put my hand over my heart during the national anthem. I can't believe America elected this guy.


2. "I think I want some curtains for Christmas."

There was silence and a blank stare for a good 5 seconds after I said that sentence. The pure and absolute gayness of that sentence knocked me into a mini-coma where I was trying to determine if I really in-actuality said that curtains were a desire I had. But ya, I snapped out of it and its true, we need some. So gay or not it would add alot to the house. Plus I've got a hot wife so I'm not worried about gay stuff I might say... I might even start watching Bravo, or wear a turtle-neck. Or not. While on that subject we move to #3...

3. "California voters got it right."

Amazing. Freakin amazing. Its good to see there is still some rational people in that state that believe in good ol' man and wife families. I thought Cali was gunna burn if they voted "no", but I guess it did anyway which really is very sad, really. But at least they did the right thing for once and voted for something that celebrities didn't like. Now lets just see if the judges they voted for will uphold what the people wanted.

4. "My Mom and Dad are the biggest losers I know."

Haaaa. So anyone who knows that the Nelson Family is doing "The Biggest Loser" competition for the holidays knows that the before-mentioned comment is an enormous compliment. Plus its just kinda fun to say that comment in front of them and not get smacked, but rather have my parents feel great love for their thoughtful and kind son. And handsome. And smart. But ya, you guys are the best! My mom has lost over 30 pounds and my dad over 40! Thats pretty kick-A. Its good to be a loser. Especially the biggest one. (Thats a pre-loser picture above by the way.) They look so good! Keep it up!

5. "I love my Bidet!"

OK all you haters, before you make fun let me say...I don't care what you think, bidets are awesome. And if you don't know what the heck I'm even talkin about, its pronounced "buh-day" and its the device that sprays your butt after you do your business... and its cool, so if you don't have one, sorry, you're not that cool. But in case you wanna be cool, look up Biffy Bidets on-line and hook one up. They are cheap and a blast! pun pun pun. But really, lets say by some weird happenstance you get some poo on your arm...just imagine it. Now do you wipe it off with some toilet paper and call it good?! I hope not. So think about how much cleaner you'd feel with one of these bad boys. I love the Biffy, and Lauren is even converted...now thats proof it will change even the firmest minds to the contrary. Rest my case.

Alright... About that Honeymoon...

So the deal was Lauren would blog about the wedding and I'd blog about the honeymoon... and I figure 3 months late is better than never. It's crazy to think we've been married about 3 months already (and I know all you old married farts are rolling your eyes, but you know you were the same) and its been a blast everyday. The honeymoon we took to Cancun was definitely the way to start things out!

The long awaited Royal Palms

So the night of the wedding we stayed at this sweet resort in Scottsdale called The Royal Palms and its too bad we couldn't spend more time there cause it was amazing. You have an individual villa complete with courtyard and everything. It was sad we only spent a whole 8 hours there...They made a killing off us haaa, but all worth it considering it was for our wedding.

From there we took off from Phoenix to Cancun! The flight wasn't too bad and the only thing that went wrong was when I was playin with my wedding ring and flipped it back a few aisles. I found it. So we get to Meh-he-ko and it was seriously better than we even expected. The people were right there to pick us up and we got to the hotel in no time. We even had this flippin weird couple there that we could talk about...I mean talk to. Seriously the dude looked like Leonardo DiCaprio off of Catch Me If You Can and his girlfriend was a beast. You had to be there to really enjoy the sight of these guys...I'm not even tryin to be mean. It was all entertainment to us!

So our hotel was tight! It was the Sun Palace and it was all-inclusive... so from the moment we got there the eating began...and it never freakin stopped, I kid you not. They had 5 really good restaurants there, a 24-hour buffet, and 24-hour room service...ALL INCLUDED!!! Not to mention the fridge in your room all stocked with Mexican Coke, bottled water and even my favorite... Jose Cuervo, XX and Corona baby! OK so the 'hard stuff' we didn't touch. People couldn't believe we wouldn't drink there, they kept sayin, "You know it’s free right?!?" But so was the Mexican Coke and they kept that comin so we were happy. Lauren even got a little crazy and ordered a Banana Monkey cause she heard someone else order it haha. "Do you think it has alcohol?", she asked me. Um... Any drink that has a name will light you up... so she yelled "Virgin!" and I think the waiter must have thought she was havin a rough honeymoon cause she yelled that so loud around all the other honeymooners around the pool... but he got the drink right so maybe not. But for real, there was never a time when we were 'not full'. Right when we felt like we weren't sick from eating we ate some more... it was the best. And by the way, I'm still down 5 pounds from the wedding, yep. IAFA. I could drop another ten.

Snorkling like champs

The hotel was full of fun stuff to do. The beach had the softest white sand and the water was like a bath, so nice. You could see fish swimming past your feet, which made Lauren a little afraid and asked it they were sharks cause they were pretty big. A couple next to us heard her and the girl booked it to the shore. But no, not sharks, just baraccuda. We even saw big sea turtles swimmin around. After dinner, Lauren and I would go down on the beach and you would see big ol' momma sea turtles swim right up in front of you and waddle up the beach and start digging big holes to bury their eggs in. Then, the resort staff would dig up the eggs and when they’d hatch they’d let you carry the little turtles down to the shore and let the go in the ocean…only to be eventually eaten by the common predators of the Caribbean, or end up in soup at one of the hotel restaurants. Tasty little suckers!!!

We went on the coolest trips while we were down there. We first went to the Tulum ruin which was a Mayan city right on the beach. It was cool to think of the Lamanites and Nephites walking around and their daily lives. What wasn’t expected was some of the scandalous ladies on the beach there…with kids around! I bet they were French. But it was cool to see the architecture of everything and the iguanas crawling over everything. And oh man was it hot. We were dyin, but worth it. I mean how often do you get to visit these places. It was awesome.

The next day we went on a zip line trip where we got harnessed up and flew over “cenotes” (see-note-ays) which were limestone caves that had caved in and filled with water. I guess I could have said we flew over lakes but that doesn’t sound tropical nor expensive and exclusive…so cenotes they are. Actually the trip was free for all people staying at the resort so very inexpensive. All the excursions were free and included! But the zip lining was a blast, especially doin it upside-down while flying through the forest. My ab muscles got such a work-out that in the picture below it looks like my inflamed abs are really just a full gut from not stop eating at our hotel...but its not... I swear... and stop looking at it. Look at our gay helmets instead.

The next day we went to Chichen Itza and it was so dang cool. We read in Mormon and Moroni about the culture the Nephites and Lamanites, so when we got off the bus and checked out all the sights and temples it was so easy to see that that was where they lived. There was Mormon stuff everywhere in the design of the buildings. I even bought a Kishkumen obsidian dagger! And while we were there it was the only time it rained our whole trip! We had the best weather ever...and in the middle of hurricain season. But the rain came at a good time, it was getting hot and the rain came down like a full-blast shower. Drenched. That bus smelled amazing on the three hour ride home...especially from a couple rows back where Capitan BackHair was sitting.

The rest of the time in Cancun we spent on the beach drinkin virgin pina coladas and banana monkies, watching the Olympics screamin our faces off for Michael Phelps, cruisin around downtown Cancun, and we even went Parasailing on Saturday which was so dang fun. Its the coolest feeling being so high up there with just the two of us lookin out on everything and seeing the fish swimming beneath us.

The whole trip was better than we could’ve hoped for. We had a blast together, saw so many cool things, relaxed on amazing beaches in perfect weather, ate our weight in free food, and just had a great time. I think we spent a total of $50 the whole trip! And that was cause we went to Planet Holleywood downtown for lunch. The room was sweet and the hotel and beach were so nice. I know I didn't post any beach pictures...I was forbidden. Lauren shouldn't have worried cause she looks amazing in a swimsuit, but I guess at the same time it saved me from showing the results an "all-you-can-eat" resort had on my body too, so thanks hun. Although we were sad to come home it was kinda time, ya know. It was nice to have that time just to ourselves, but it was exciting to see family and friends again and start our life together. I think we need to do a honeymoon every year!...Well at least until little rugrats get in our way!