Monday, January 5, 2009

The Theater of Life: Act I, Scene I

(Lauren and Ryan lying in bed trying to fall asleep. Ryan keeps turning to and fro unable to sleep.)

Ryan: I can't flippin sleep.

Lauren: I know. I can tell.

Ryan: My stomach hurts like none other.

Lauren: Me too. Mine's been hurting all night.

Ryan: Ah man. I hope its just gas.

Lauren: It better not be.

Ryan: I hope it is.

Lauren: Then you better as heck turn your body away from me! And, you better stick your bum out of the covers so your nasty toot isn't trapped under the blanket! I'm serious.

(Laughter ensues. Ryan continues to laugh as Lauren reaffirms that she is not joking. Ryan tries to push one out just cause it'd be exceedingly funny at that moment. But, there is nothing to push out and he doesn't want to push to hard because he learned a long time ago that that is not a good idea.)

Lauren: Wait, did you really just turn away from me and stick your bum out of the covers?!

Ryan: Yes.

(Lauren now laughes uncontrollably. Ryan's stomach still hurts. Laughter dies down and a minute of silence prevails.)

Ryan: I guess I don't need to toot after all.

(Lauren begins laughing again and Ryan covers his body with the blankets and slides back next to Lauren.)

Ryan: Wait, did I just say toot instead of fart?

Lauren: Yes you did.

Ryan: I can't believe I'm saying words like that now. Its rediculous. Toot? Its a fart.

Lauren: No, its a toot.

(Minutes pass. Lauren drifts off to sleep. Ryan slowly gets comfortable, too comfortable, and not wanting to wake up his cute sleeping wife, gently and quietly rips one, next to Lauren, under the covers.)



Alli Easley said...

That was beautiful. Also, I think that if you say "bum" you also have to say "toot". It's the rules.

Ryan & Lauren Nelson said...

You're absolutely right. And as evidenced by the my saying "toot", one can infer that "bum" is not my original word of choice. I'm a total "butt" guy, BUT staying in a house full of girls for two weeks where if you say "butt" little girls cry or at least frown, makes you say weird things like toot and bum. I'm getting soft in marriage I guess!

Lyd said...

HAHAHAHAHA That. Is. Hilarious. I started busting up when "bum" and "toot" were said! I freakin Love it!! hahaha Who would have thought that Ryan Nelson would be saying such things?!?!

Ryan & Lauren Nelson said...

I know. It makes me a little mad. Like my identity is gone. And has been replaced. By some sort of smurf. So, sometimes I just go into the bathroom, shut the door, turn on the venting fan, and yell obscenities like on What About Bob. I'm still a man.

shauna said...

Then when you have kids you say "bottom" and "fluffy"...Right, Taylor?

-KJ said...

You have just prepared yourself for children. OH, and that was eloquently written. I'd tell you that you are awesome, but it might go to your head. No, it's worth it. You're awesome.

PS Kevin has never successfully given me a covered wagon. He was not so lucky at Cal and Jeanette's. Those rumbly tummy's are dangerous.

Brittany Buckhannon said...

haha ryan you are so funny!

Susan said...

Let's see. . . I don't think that you and Lyd ever had any toot contests. All I remember is the fart word, and me saying, "You guys stop it!" I think I've heard your dad toot only a handful of times in the 35 years of bliss and he was mortified when that happened! Butt under the covers is another story! And only when he is sound asleep! Makes me craZ! A bit of like father like son.

Lyd said...

Why the crap do I NEVER get comment from mom?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Good ol farting contests. And when I would count how many I would to in a night when I would sleep over at the Oblad's. Those were the good days. You should be proud that I'm growing up though. ;) haha

Lyd said...

Oh, and I just farted. Twice.

chad said...

no, don't worry, i'm not engaged yet. i definately wouldn't make you guys hear about it from my blog. i promise

-KJ said...

I totally remember you counting Lydi. Oh, and I just died reading your last comment.

Chaddy, don't worry. You won't blog about it but Marleana (sp?) will!

ashleyO said...

Marleah. And Lydia. Sick. Twice.

Anonymous said...