5 Things I Never Thought I'd Say

1. "I agree with Barack Obama."


Ok now wait... before any dis-owning, bitter faces (like the kind when you smell a raunchy fart), or verbal abuses toward me...don't hate, just listen. Believe me, I was more shocked than anyone the two seconds after I heard those words escape my lips. But here is the deal, its not that bad for this single, solitary case... he was talking about the College Football post-season and how the BCS doesn't work and that there needs to be at least an 8-team playoff to determine the champion. I was so shocked that this dude actually spoke the truth that I made that outburst I never thought I'd say. He was right, and we do need a playoff in College Football...cause its the sport with the best regular season and the absolute worst post-season. That's the only "Change" I'll support. I'm not spreadin the little wealth I've got and I'm keepin my guns. And I put my hand over my heart during the national anthem. I can't believe America elected this guy.


2. "I think I want some curtains for Christmas."

There was silence and a blank stare for a good 5 seconds after I said that sentence. The pure and absolute gayness of that sentence knocked me into a mini-coma where I was trying to determine if I really in-actuality said that curtains were a desire I had. But ya, I snapped out of it and its true, we need some. So gay or not it would add alot to the house. Plus I've got a hot wife so I'm not worried about gay stuff I might say... I might even start watching Bravo, or wear a turtle-neck. Or not. While on that subject we move to #3...

3. "California voters got it right."

Amazing. Freakin amazing. Its good to see there is still some rational people in that state that believe in good ol' man and wife families. I thought Cali was gunna burn if they voted "no", but I guess it did anyway which really is very sad, really. But at least they did the right thing for once and voted for something that celebrities didn't like. Now lets just see if the judges they voted for will uphold what the people wanted.

4. "My Mom and Dad are the biggest losers I know."

Haaaa. So anyone who knows that the Nelson Family is doing "The Biggest Loser" competition for the holidays knows that the before-mentioned comment is an enormous compliment. Plus its just kinda fun to say that comment in front of them and not get smacked, but rather have my parents feel great love for their thoughtful and kind son. And handsome. And smart. But ya, you guys are the best! My mom has lost over 30 pounds and my dad over 40! Thats pretty kick-A. Its good to be a loser. Especially the biggest one. (Thats a pre-loser picture above by the way.) They look so good! Keep it up!

5. "I love my Bidet!"

OK all you haters, before you make fun let me say...I don't care what you think, bidets are awesome. And if you don't know what the heck I'm even talkin about, its pronounced "buh-day" and its the device that sprays your butt after you do your business... and its cool, so if you don't have one, sorry, you're not that cool. But in case you wanna be cool, look up Biffy Bidets on-line and hook one up. They are cheap and a blast! pun pun pun. But really, lets say by some weird happenstance you get some poo on your arm...just imagine it. Now do you wipe it off with some toilet paper and call it good?! I hope not. So think about how much cleaner you'd feel with one of these bad boys. I love the Biffy, and Lauren is even converted...now thats proof it will change even the firmest minds to the contrary. Rest my case.